Before And After The Wedding

Of course this doesn’t apply to every married couple.

• Before - You take my breath away.
  After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
• Before - Twice a night.
  After - Twice a month.
• Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
  After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
• Before - Saturday Night Fever.
  After - Monday Night Football.
• Before - Don’t stop.
  After - Don’t start.
• Before - Is that all you’re having?
  After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.
• Before - It’s like I’m living in a dream.
  After - It’s like he lives in a dorm.
• Before - $60/dozen.
  After - $1.50/stem.
• Before - Turbocharged.
  After - Jump-start.
• Before - We agree on everything.
  After - We can’t agree on anything.
• Before - Victoria’s Secret.
  After - Fruit-of-the-Loom.
• Before - Idol.
  After - Idle.
• Before - He’s completely lost without me.
  After - Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
• Before - Time stood still.
  After - Where did the time go?
• Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
  After - Bagel and instant.
• Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
  After - I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you.
• Before - Passion.
  After - Ration.

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The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself

1. To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
2. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
3. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
4. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
5. To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. (Well, it is more realistic also to prepare for the worst!)
6. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
7. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
8. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
9. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
10. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

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Funny Quotes by Old Men - Wisdom of the Elderly

1. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt that he forgets his sugar.
3. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
6. A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’ and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”
7. The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
8. Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.
9. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way.
10. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
11. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
12. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth…. Remember about Algebra.
13. You know you are getting old, when everything ……….
14. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
15. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
16. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
17. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
18. If you don’t learn to laugh when you are young, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
19. Hang in there and keep on Laughing

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Memorable Funny Quotes by Great Women

1. Inside every older lady is a younger lady - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
2. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. Anonymous
3. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
4. I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
5. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
6. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
7. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
8. Old age ain’t no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
9. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. - Rhonda Hansome
10. The phrase “working mother” is redundant. - Jane Sellman
11. Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
12. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
13. Thirty - five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
14. I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
15. If you can’t be a good example - - then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine
16. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
17. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
18. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
19. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
20. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
21. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
22. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
23. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt

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Prayer(Duwa) Of A Fasting Person

Once Hazrat Moosa (AS) asked Allah:
“O Allah ! You have granted me the honour and privilege of talking to you directly,
Have you given this privilege to any other person?”
Allah Ta’ala replied;
“O!! Moosa, during the last period, I am going to send an ummat, who will be the Ummat of Mohammed (SAW) with dry lips, parched tongues, emaciated body with eyes sunken deep into their sockets, with livers dry and stomachs suffering the pangs of hunger - will call out to me (in duwa, prayer) they will be much much closer to me than you.”
“O Moosa! while you speak to me there are 70000 veils between you and me but at the time of iftaar there will not be a single veil between me and the fasting Ummati of Mohammed (SAW).
O!! Moosa I have taken upon myself the responsibility that at the time of iftaar I will never refuse the duwa (prayer) of a fasting person!”

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Phrases for Work

Here are some phrases we wanted say at work or we heard at work.

1. Were you BORN this stupid? Or did it just take years of practice?
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. The beatings will continue until morale improves
4. How about never? Is never good for you?
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Busy, you thought busy was a policeman. “In England for some reason, they call the policeman busy.
7. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship.
8. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
9. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
10. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
11. It’s nice to see that you’re not satisfied with people JUST THINKING you’re an idiot.
12. I’m not anti-social. I’m anti-YOU.
13. I’m not anti-social. Society is anti-me.
14. Would you like me to chew your food for you while I’m at it?
15. Wait, you mean I actually have to WORK at work??
16. Here’s a quarter. Go forth. Be Happy.
17. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
18. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
19. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
20. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
21. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
22. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
23. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
24. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
25. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
26. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
27. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
28. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
29. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
30. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
31. No, my powers can only be used for good.
32. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
33. Who me? I just wander from room to room
34. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
35. Do I look like a freaking people person?
36. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting. (yeah, and it’s called my office)
37. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
38. You!… Off my planet!
39. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
40. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
41. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
42. Allow me to introduce my selves.
43. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
44. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
45. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
46. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
47. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
48. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
49. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
50. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
51. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
52. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
53. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
54. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
55. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
56. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

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Gravatars - Global Avatars - Post Online Identity in Comments

Wether you are a blogger or not, Sometimes you post comments for posts in websites. How about posting your personal or company identity avator with your posts.
It too easy and simple procedure to follow.

Go to the website.
http://site.gravatar.com
Create account. Confirm account by provided email. Upload 80×80 pixels avatar image. Assign avatar to email and you are done.
Now when you will post any comment anywhere online, if webmaster has that facility than your identity avator will appear besides your comment.
Avator is associated with your assigned email address. So you have to post same email address while posting comment.

For example:
http://javedkhalil.com/personalBlog/focused-cat/#comment-16

Cool eh!!

Global Avators

A gravatar, or globally recognized avatar, is quite simply avatar image that follows you from weblog to weblog appearing beside your name when you comment on gravatar enabled sites. Avatars help identify your posts on web forums, so why not on weblogs?

An avatar or gravatar is an icon, or representation, of a user in a shared virtual reality, such as a forum, chat, website, or any other form of online community in which the user(s) wish to have something to distinguish themselves from other users. Gravatars make it possible for a person to have one avatar across the entire web. Avatars are usually an 80px by 80px image that the user will create themselves.

A Gravatar is essentially the same thing, but they are all hosted on a single server and are called up by encrypting the users’ email address via the MD5 algorithm. So instead of having one avatar on one forum you visit, and another at a blog you visit, you could have the same avatar at both.

Signing up for a gravatar.com account is FREE, and all that’s required is your email address. Once you’ve signed up you can upload your avatar image and soon after you’ll start seeing it on gravatar enabled weblogs!

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Someone And You

You are Everything To Somebody!

1. someone is very proud of you someone is thinking of you
2. someone cares about you
3. someone misses you
4. someone wants to talk to you
5. someone wants to be with you
6. someone hopes you aren’t in trouble
7. someone is thankful for the support you have provided
8. someone wants to hold your hand
9. someone hopes everything turns out all right
10. someone wants you to be happy
11. someone wants you to find them
12. someone is celebrating your successes
13. someone wants to give you a gift
14. someone thinks you ARE a gift
15. someone hopes you are not too cold, or too hot
16. someone wants to hug you
17. someone loves you
18. someone wants to lavish you with small gifts
19. someone admires your strength
20. someone is thinking of you and smiling
21. someone wants to be your shoulder to cry on
22. someone wants to go out with you and have a lot of fun
23. someone thinks the world of you
24. someone wants to protect you
25. someone would do anything for you
26. someone wants to be forgiven
27. someone is grateful for your forgiveness
28. someone wants to laugh with you about old times
29. someone remembers you and wishes you were there
30. someone is praising God for you
31. someone needs to know that your love is unconditional
32. somebody values your advice
33. someone wants to tell you how much they care
34. someone wants to stay up watching old movies with you
35. someone wants to share their dreams with you
36. someone wants to hold you in their arms
37. someone wants YOU to hold them in your arms
38. someone treasures your spirit
39. someone wishes they could STOP time because of you
40. someone praises God for your friendship and love
41. someone can’t wait to see you
42. someone wishes that things didn’t have to change
43. someone loves you for who you are
44. someone loves the way you make them feel
45. someone wants to be with you
46. someone is hoping they can grow old with you
47. someone hears a song that reminds them of you
48. someone wants you to know they are there for you
49. someone is glad that you’re their friend
50. someone wants to be your friend
51. someone stayed up all night thinking about you
52. someone is alive because of you
53. someone is remorseful after losing your friendship
54. someone is wishing that you would notice them
55. someone wants to get to know you better
56. someone believes that you are their soul mate
57. someone wants to be near you
58. someone misses your guidance and advice
59. someone values your guidance and advice
60. someone has faith in you
61. someone trusts you
62. someone needs you to send them this letter
63. someone needs your support
64. someone needs you to have faith in them
65. someone needs you to let them be your friend
66. someone will cry when they read this

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Great Truths

Great Truths That Little Children Have Learned

1. No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2. When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
3. If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4. Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5. You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6. Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7. Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9. Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10. The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

Great Truths That Adults Have Learned

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2. Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4. Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5. Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6. Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Great Truths About Growing Old

1. Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.
2. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3. When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4. You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6. Time may be a great healer, ! but it’s a lousy beautician.
7. Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

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International Wisdom

Proverbs from around the world , Wise quotes , Collective wisdom of civilizations.

1. A book is like a garden carried in the pocket. Arab Proverb
2. A bird in the hand is worth two in a bush. English Proverb
3. A broken hand works, but not a broken heart. Persian Proverb
4. A cat has nine lives. Proverb of Unknown Origin
5. A closed mouth catches no flies. Italian Proverb
6. A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs. German Proverb
7. A courtyard common to all will be swept by none. Proverb, Chinese
8. A dog is wiser than a woman; it does not bark at its master. Russian Proverb
9. A drink precedes a story. Irish Proverb
10. A drowning man is not troubled by rain. Persian Proverb
11. A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees. William Blake Proverbs of Hell (1790)
12. A forest is in an acorn. Proverb of Unknown Origin
13. A friend in need is a friend indeed English Proverb
14. A friend’s eye is a good mirror. Irish Proverb
15. A good denial, the best point in law. Irish Proverb
16. A good husband is healthy and absent. Japanese Proverb
17. A hard beginning make a good ending. John Heywood The Proverbs of John Heywood (1546)
18. A healthy man is a successful man. French Proverb
19. A hedge between keeps friendship green. French Proverb
20. A hen is heavy when carried far. Irish Proverb
21. A hound’s food is in its legs. Irish Proverb
22. A house without a dog or a cat is the house of a scoundrel. Portuguese Proverb
23. A hungry man is an angry man. English Proverb
24. A lie travels round the world while truth is putting her boots on. French Proverb
25. A little too late, is much too late. German Proverb
26. A loan though old is not gift. Hungarian Proverb
27. A lock is better than suspicion. Irish Proverb
28. A man does not seek his luck, luck seeks its man. Turkish Proverb
29. A man is not honest simply because he never had a chance to steal. Yiddish Proverb
30. A man may well bring a horse to the water, but he cannot make him drink. John Heywood The Proverbs of John Heywood (1546)
31. A man should live if only to satisfy his curiosity. Yiddish Proverb
32. A monkey never thinks her baby’s ugly. Haitian Proverb
33. A new broom sweeps clean, but the old brush knows all the corners. Irish Proverb
34. A penny for your thoughts. John Heywood The Proverbs of John Heywood (1546)
35. A penny saved is a penny gained. Scottish Proverb
36. A poor beauty finds more lovers than husbands. English Proverb
37. A prudent man does not make the goat his gardener. Hungarian Proverb
38. A rumor goes in one ear and out many mouths. Chinese proverb
39. A silent mouth is melodious. Irish Proverb
40. A single Russian hair outweighs half a Pole. Traditional Russian Saying
41. A society grows great when old men plant trees whose shade they know they shall never sit in. Greek Proverb
42. A soft answer turneth away wrath but grievous words stir up anger. Bible - Proverbs 151.
43. A son is a son till he gets him a wife, But a daughter’s a daughter the rest of your life. Proverb of Unknown Origin
44. A spoon does not know the taste of soup, nor a learned fool the taste of wisdom. Welsh Proverb
45. A table is not blessed if it has fed no scholars. Yiddish Proverb
46. A teacher is better than two books. German Proverb
47. A thief believes everybody steals. Proverb of Unknown Origin
48. A thorn defends the rose, harming only those who would steal the blossom. Chinese proverb
49. A throne is only a bench covered with velvet. French Proverb
50. A trade not properly learned is an enemy. Irish Proverb

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