Before And After The Wedding

Of course this doesn’t apply to every married couple.

• Before - You take my breath away.
  After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
• Before - Twice a night.
  After - Twice a month.
• Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation.
  After - She called me a controlling, manipulative egomaniac.
• Before - Saturday Night Fever.
  After - Monday Night Football.
• Before - Don’t stop.
  After - Don’t start.
• Before - Is that all you’re having?
  After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey.
• Before - It’s like I’m living in a dream.
  After - It’s like he lives in a dorm.
• Before - $60/dozen.
  After - $1.50/stem.
• Before - Turbocharged.
  After - Jump-start.
• Before - We agree on everything.
  After - We can’t agree on anything.
• Before - Victoria’s Secret.
  After - Fruit-of-the-Loom.
• Before - Idol.
  After - Idle.
• Before - He’s completely lost without me.
  After - Why won’t he ever ask for directions?
• Before - Time stood still.
  After - Where did the time go?
• Before - Croissant and cappuccino.
  After - Bagel and instant.
• Before - I can hardly believe we found each other.
  After - I can’t believe I ended up with someone like you.
• Before - Passion.
  After - Ration.

The Optimist Creed

Promise Yourself

1. To be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
2. To talk health, happiness and prosperity to every person you meet.
3. To make all your friends feel that there is something in them.
4. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
5. To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. (Well, it is more realistic also to prepare for the worst!)
6. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
7. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
8. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.
9. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
10. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Funny Quotes by Old Men - Wisdom of the Elderly

1. Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.
2. Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt that he forgets his sugar.
3. Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.
4. When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
5. If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
6. A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’ and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”
7. The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is kept up.
8. Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.
9. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way.
10. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
11. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
12. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth…. Remember about Algebra.
13. You know you are getting old, when everything ……….
14. I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
15. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
16. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
17. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
18. If you don’t learn to laugh when you are young, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.
19. Hang in there and keep on Laughing

Memorable Funny Quotes by Great Women

1. Inside every older lady is a younger lady - wondering what the hell happened. - Cora Harvey Armstrong
2. Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies. Anonymous
3. The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes (at 73)
4. I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. - Janette Barber
5. Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. - Lily Tomlin
6. A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. - Carrie Snow
7. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. - Laurie Kuslansky
8. Old age ain’t no place for sissies. - Bette Davis
9. A man’s got to do what a man’s got to do. A woman must do what he can’t. - Rhonda Hansome
10. The phrase “working mother” is redundant. - Jane Sellman
11. Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows. - Jennifer Unlimited
12. Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. - Charlotte Whitton
13. Thirty - five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. - Caryn Leschen
14. I try to take one day at a time - - but sometimes several days attack me at once. - Jennifer Unlimited
15. If you can’t be a good example - - then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning. - Catherine
16. When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! - Kathy Buckley
17. I’m not going to vacuum ’til Sears makes one you can ride on. - Roseanne Barr
18. When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. - Elayne Boosler
19. Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
20. In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. - Margaret Thatcher
21. I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. - Gloria Steinem
22. I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
23. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. - Eleanor Roosevelt

Prayer(Duwa) Of A Fasting Person

Once Hazrat Moosa (AS) asked Allah:
“O Allah ! You have granted me the honour and privilege of talking to you directly,
Have you given this privilege to any other person?”
Allah Ta’ala replied;
“O!! Moosa, during the last period, I am going to send an ummat, who will be the Ummat of Mohammed (SAW) with dry lips, parched tongues, emaciated body with eyes sunken deep into their sockets, with livers dry and stomachs suffering the pangs of hunger - will call out to me (in duwa, prayer) they will be much much closer to me than you.”
“O Moosa! while you speak to me there are 70000 veils between you and me but at the time of iftaar there will not be a single veil between me and the fasting Ummati of Mohammed (SAW).
O!! Moosa I have taken upon myself the responsibility that at the time of iftaar I will never refuse the duwa (prayer) of a fasting person!”