Here’s some REAL COMPUTER PROBLEMS COMPLAINTS heard by various computer technicians.
This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
- Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
- AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
- Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
- Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
- A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses shouldn’t be taken personally.
- A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
- An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.”The foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
- Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
- Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and ran for support “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2 meant to remove Disk 1 first.
- A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under “Windows.” The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.
The following questions and answers were collected from GCSE exams, and some of the answers are given by British students. These are genuine responses from 16 year olds.
Enjoy…!!!
Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutant like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow. [He got an A]
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g.abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A,E,I,O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does “varicose” mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section.”
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Q: Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. {do dishes}
Q: What does the word “benign” mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab or Seikh wears on his head.
My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way. Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong. Milton Berle
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. George Burns
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. Phyllis Diller
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. Henny Youngman
I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don’t like to interrupt her.
My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got myself two girlfriends.
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, You wish you had ordered that.
Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
It’s not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Words to live by: Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.
Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.!
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
The father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”!
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when married you.”
The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?
Dad: That happens in every country, son.
A woman was telling her friend, “I made my husband a millionaire.”
“And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. “A billionaire.” she replied.
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,” Dad! I’ve found a woman just like mother”
His father replied, “So what do you want? sympathy?”
A man was complaining to a friend: “I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman and then, BAM!, it was all gone!”
“What happened?” asked his friend.
“My wife found out….”
I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that as both husband and father, I can say anything I want to around the house.
Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, But his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says, “Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I’m half dead.”
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage.
They’ve experienced pain and bought jewellery.
How do most men define marriage?
An expensive way to get your laundry done free.
First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.
